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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as:

• NBA 5.0,
• NFL 3.0 and
• Golf Clubs 4.1.

Also, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.


DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program, These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

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Dear Customer Support,

I am writing to you regarding your recommended upgrade from Girlfriend 9.0 to Wife 1.0 which I implemented, per your instructions, at the beginning of the year. As you promised, the upgrade provided a number of new features which the old program did not offer. However, unlike what you promotional brochure suggested, I am not convinced that I am happy about these features.

For example, unlike Girlfriend 9.0, Wife 1.0 features much more comprehensive schedule monitoring. That in itself is an interesting option, but I do not understand why it beeps insistently if it is not continually updated. Wife 1.0 also provides a remarkably consistent workplace calling feature. I have searched through the online help, but still have been unable to locate how to turn this feature off.

A number of other programs which I often ran on my computer in the past with no problems have begun to behave erratically since the installation of Wife 1.0. In fact, some of my favorite applications, such as Poker Night 5.2, Sunday Football 16.1, and Boys Night Out 2.5, no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

Moreover, the Wife 1.0 toolbar seems to have installed itself onto every application on my computer and I have no idea how to get it out. In some cases, the Wife 1.0 toolbar has actually replaced the original options provided by the application, irrevocably altering that application’s feature set, usually by eliminating critical options.

When I try to play one of my favorite video games, Wife 1.0 causes the screen to freeze. The strangest part is that this happens even when I am playing on my PS2 rather than the computer. Worst of all, despite selecting the “minimize” option, I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background when trying to run my favorite application: Porn 6.9.

I am strongly considering going back to Girlfriend 9.0, but the Uninstall does not appear to work on Wife 1.0. You are my last hope. Please let me know how to uninstall or deactivate this program or, at the very least, how to regain functionality in some of my other applications.

Sincerely,

Joe Smith


Dear Mr. Smith,

We received your inquiry regarding your unhappiness with certain features associated with the Wife 1.0 software. We regret that this software has not lived up to your expectations. Fortunately, we have a solution which you can implement immediately to rectify this problem. This solution may best be described as follows: Adjust your expectations.

The problem is not with the Wife 1.0 software, but with you, Mr. Smith. When you purchased the Wife 1.0 upgrade, you did not just buy a piece of software, but rather an entire artificial intelligence system. The sole purpose of this system is to enhance all facets of your life. Frankly, Mr. Smith you should be grateful.

Typically, artificial intelligence systems work by adapting themselves over time. What sets Wife 1.0 apart is that rather than adapt itself, it adapts its user. In other words, this unique program improves you as a human being, Mr. Smith, addressing and systematically rectifying all of your flaws.

Although you may not realize it at this moment, the upgrade to Wife 1.0 will prove to be the best decision which you have ever made. It will also prove to be the last decision which you have ever made, as now Wife 1.0 will take over the decision making process, allowing you to fill your time with more productive activities, such as career enhancement, pious thoughts, and gratitude.

As you have by now discovered, it is impossible to uninstall Wife 1.0. Instead, please consider adjusting your attitude toward this valuable program. Control your destructive tendencies and try to learn about Wife 1.0’s unique and wonderful feature set. As you get to know Wife 1.0 and become adept at adjusting your behavior to suit the program’s needs, we are confident that you will find inner tranquility. It is important that you do so because the next upgrade, Child 1.0, is coming next year.

Regards,

Customer Service